## Humor | Parenting

# Introducing Midnight Math: The New Math Class That Should Be Mandatory in High School

## Make Math Applicable Again!

Midnight Math. Never heard of it? Well, Midnight Math is arguably the most important math class none of us were offered in high school.

With Midnight Math, students must solve complex real-world math problems in the middle of the night using contradictory instructions printed in tiny, impossible-to-read fonts while experiencing exhaustion and high-stakes time constraints.

Since Midnight Math works best as experiential learning, 100% of each student’s final grade will be based on their performance during an immersive overnight learning experience.

Life-like twin dolls Timmy and Tammy, each programmed to behave like regular daycare-attending petri dishes (i.e. children) will sleep over at students’ homes for one night while they complete their final exam.

To demonstrate how this unconventional but essential course works, below is a sample of questions from last year’s final examination.

## Question 1:

Little Timmy weighs 35 pounds and is 5 years old. He wakes you up at 3 AM screaming that his body hurts. If you don’t administer the medication within 3 minutes he will make himself vomit from his dramatic scream-crying.

**Infant Advil Instructions:**

*If 24–35 pounds, 2–3 years old, take 5 mL every 6–8 hours but do not exceed 4 doses in 24 hours.*

*If 36–47 pounds, 4–5 years old, take 7.5 mL every 6–8 hours but do not exceed 4 doses in 24 hours.*

a. How much medicine should you administer (in milliliters)?

b. What is the maximum amount of medication you can administer in a 24-hour cycle?

c. Oopsies! Your partner who is sleeping soundly through the commotion forgot to return the medicine cup and you can’t find it. You only have a teaspoon. How much medication should you administer (in teaspoons)?

*Note: Incorrect dosing may result in dangerous side effects such as seizures, kidney failure, or death.*

## Question 2:

Little Timmy’s twin sister Tammy weighs 34.5 lbs, hates the taste of red, and vomits when she sees other people vomit. She is now also awake screaming that everything hurts.

a. Which child should you administer the medication to first and why? (support your answer)

b. How old is Tammy?

Oh dear! You only have Red Berry Infant Advil or Adult Acetaminophen tablets.

**Adult Acetaminophen to Infant Advil conversion instructions:**

*If 24 to 34 lbs, administer 162.5 mg
If 35–47 lbs, administer 243.75 mg*

c. Which medication should you administer to Tammy and why?

d. You decide to administer the Adult Acetaminophen to Tammy. Convert mg to tablet(s), cut the 11-mm pill into the exact right size, and submit as a photo (hint: 487.5 mg = 1.5 tablets).

## Question 3:

Oh boy! Timmy and Tammy both vomited on the rug.

a. Should you administer more medication to the twins? If so, how much? (hint: there is no correct answer to this question)

b. Rug cleaner instructions: dissolve 6 oz into 1 gallon of water; for stains exceeding 30 cm squared, double recipe. You have a ½ cup measuring cup. How much solution should you dissolve? (hint: first calculate the vomit surface area)

c. You decide to administer more medication to the twins and wash the rug.

Place the following tasks in the correct order:

*medication to Tammy*
*medication to Timmy*
*clean the rug*
*asphyxiate the sleeping spouse*

Remember to support your answer.

## Bonus Question:

Almonds contain 25.2 kg of cyanide per kilogram of weight. It takes one teaspoon of cyanide to kill a 160-lb human.

a. How many almonds should you grind into your 160-lb partner’s smoothie in the morning?

*Note: Any examinations handed in with vomit splatter will result in an automatic fail.*

In its inaugural year, Midnight Math had only a 3% pass rate but **reduced rates of teen pregnancy by over 95%.**

Let’s make Midnight Math a mandatory course for all high school students.

Together, we can Make Math Applicable Again.