newspapercrane

Oh caffeine, why do I always forsake you? It's okay, we're together again, even though I know you'll break my heart.

My life needs more googly eyes.

If elected president, I promise to establish more stringent background checks for defense against the dark arts teachers at hogwarts.

Be as the frog in the pond: don't seek the fly, the fly will come to you.

I wonder how many of those 50 percent of college grads who can't find jobs have art degrees?

People need to stop posting thinkgeek stuff on facebook like it's new, and no one else has seen it before.

I never got the point of a visa gift card. It's like saying "Here, don't spend this on drugs."

Beyonce performing at the Superbowl half time? Looks like I need to start planning how I'm going to spend those 30mins of my life.

Dear Pumpkin Mocha - I forgot how delicious you are. I will not make that mistake again.

You win this round Bennigans...

Happy Leif Erickson Day! Hinga Dhinga Durgen!

.@official_PAX Shut up and take my money. #PAXiscoming

Ever have that feeling you're being watched? Yeah, that was me.

That's right Canada: Stay on your side of the 49th parallel and no one gets hurt.

Someone logged in to my pinterest account from Algeria and the Russian Federation? I have a pinterest account?

Are we done pretending Jeff Dunham is funny?

Apple's newest commercial implies that everyone has the same size hand. #thinkdifferent

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Awwww... here goes!

ugh... not a good night. I need to get out more.

Grey is a colour, and Gray is a color.

When I type the word 'stupid' on my phone, the next suggestion is 'autocorrect'. If only it could learn to not suck we'd be in business.

"Have you ever screwed a jar of bad mayo??? it is NOT fun!" Work is fun today.

Politicians don't have debates anymore. They just stand in front of a camera, spout lies, and try to make the other guy look like an asshole

Suck for an entire game: lose in the last 8 seconds and blame the Refs. It's a bad call, but try not sucking the rest of the game next time.